By Mike Walk
Let’s talk about one of humankind’s greatest achievements: No, not self-parking cars. The Apollo moon landings, in which NASA somehow managed to launch three guys into space using a computer with less processing power than a modern microwave, land them on the moon, and bring them back without anybody turning into moon jerky.
This all happened in 1969, when your average telephone was the size of a cement block and most Americans couldn’t program a VCR (which didn’t exist yet). And yet—AND YET—we successfully hurled brave astronauts through 240,000 miles of cold vacuum to step foot on an alien world. Wearing aluminum space suits and hope.
NASA’S MISSION: SPACE, SWEAT, AND TANG
NASA’s Apollo Program was started in the early 1960s under President John F. Kennedy, who famously said:
“We choose to go to the Moon, not because it is easy, but because we have a massive Cold War insecurity complex and need to dunk on the Soviets.”
The Soviets had already launched Sputnik, Yuri Gagarin, and multiple stray dogs. America responded with a multi-billion-dollar space program, the best minds in science, and Buzz Aldrin, who is basically what you’d get if you merged Neil deGrasse Tyson with a headbutting cyborg.
APOLLO 11: THE BIG ONE
In July 1969, Apollo 11 lifted off with:
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Neil Armstrong (Commander; Cool Dad Energy),
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Buzz Aldrin (Lunar Module Pilot; Had Absolutely No Time for Moon Nonsense), and
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Michael Collins (Command Module Pilot; Orbiting patiently while the others went full moon tourist).
They rode a Saturn V rocket, which was basically a giant flying grain silo filled with patriotic explosives. It stood 363 feet tall and burned fuel faster than a frat party chugs beer.
On July 20, Armstrong and Aldrin landed the Eagle (not a bird, but the Lunar Module), and Armstrong delivered the most famous line ever said while wearing adult diapers:
“That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.”
And just like that, humans were mooning the universe.
MEANWHILE, BACK ON EARTH…
Millions of people around the world watched the moon landing live on TV. This was amazing considering:
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TVs were mostly furniture with gray screens.
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Most channels showed things like bowling and weird puppet shows.
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Nobody could believe we were watching a moonwalk 20 years before Michael Jackson performed it.
THE MOON LANDING DENIERS: A SPECIAL KIND OF STUPID
Now, let’s address the Moon Landing Conspiracy People, also known as “That Guy at Your Cousin’s Cookout Who Thinks YouTube is a Peer-Reviewed science Journalism.”
These people believe:
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The moon landing was faked on a Hollywood soundstage.
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The shadows are “wrong.”
"There's no stars."
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There’s no wind on the moon, so why is the flag waving? (Answer: It isn’t, you melonhead. It’s got a metal rod in it. NASA thought of that.)
These folks are often the same people who believe the Earth is flat, the vaccine has a tracking chip, and birds are government drones.
To moon landing deniers, I say this: Go outside. Touch some grass. Then try building a rocket in your garage and flying to the moon using only 1960s equipment and duct tape. If you make it, I’ll eat my keyboard.
APOLLO 12 THROUGH 17: YES, WE WENT BACK
Somehow, Apollo wasn’t a one-time gig. Between 1969 and 1972, we sent six missions to the moon, did all kinds of moon science, and left actual cars up there. That’s right, the moon has more abandoned vehicles than Detroit.
Each mission had astronauts, rovers, experiments, and at least one guy saying “Wow” a lot. Apollo 13, of course, had a little “Oopsie” with an oxygen tank, leading to the second-most famous space quote:
“Houston, we've had a problem.”
This was astronaut-speak for: “Our ship just exploded and we would like not to die in slow horrifying space agony, please and thank you.”
They still made it back alive, using duct tape, math, and raw astronaut determination.
WHAT WE GOT FROM GOING TO THE MOON
Besides glory and bragging rights forever, we got:
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Velcro (not actually from space, but let’s pretend).
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Freeze-dried ice cream (fun to look at, horrible to eat).
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Tang (delicious powdered disappointment).
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An unending stream of documentaries with majestic orchestral scores and archival footage narrated by Morgan Freeman.
And most importantly, we learned we could do it. We could dream something utterly insane—“Let’s walk on the moon”—and then actually pull it off without the entire planet catching fire.
IN CONCLUSION
The Apollo missions were bold, terrifying, brilliant, and exactly what humans should be doing more of: pushing boundaries, facing danger with courage and slide rules, and occasionally bouncing around in zero gravity yelling “WHEEEE.”
To the moon landing deniers: you are entitled to your opinion, but if it contradicts twelve astronauts, thousands of NASA engineers, mountains of telemetry data, lunar rock samples, and literal reflectors you can still bounce lasers off of to this day, then your opinion is like believing pizza is a vegetable: technically possible, but deeply dumb.
So here’s to the Apollo heroes—those glorious nerds and rocket cowboys who shot for the moon... and hit it.
Godspeed, space weirdos. We love you 3,800 kilometers to the moon and back.
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