Ghosts, or How We Get Scared Over Nothing

GHOSTS: SPOOKY, MISUNDERSTOOD, AND VERY BAD AT INTERIOR DESIGN

By Someone Who Has Been Startled by Their Own Reflection at Least Twice Today

Let’s talk about ghosts. According to Hollywood, ghosts are spooky, malevolent beings who exist solely to rearrange your furniture and whisper "GET OUT" while you're trying to pee. According to real life, ghosts are mostly just drafts, weird plumbing noises, and cats staring at empty corners like they just saw a Victorian child playing the oboe.

Now, I’m not saying ghosts aren’t real. I’m just saying if they are real, they need to get their act together.

Consider this: ghosts can allegedly travel between realms, phase through walls, and bend the laws of physics — and this power is mostly used to knock over picture frames and flicker the lights like a rave for depressed squirrels. Honestly, if I had the ability to defy the boundaries of life and death, I’d do more than knock over Grandma’s antique salt shaker. I’d at least learn how to DJ.

Also, why do ghosts only haunt old houses? You never hear about a ghost in a Target. No one ever says, “Yeah, I was trying to buy discounted throw pillows when a spirit screamed at me from the linen aisle.” Do ghosts have a union?
GHOSTS LOCAL 666
We only haunt structures built before 1940 and refuse to float in open-concept living spaces without crown molding.

Let’s talk ghost fashion. Every depiction shows them in flowy nightgowns or Civil War uniforms. This means that somewhere in the afterlife, there’s a strict dress code run by a ghost named Mildred who says, “No yoga pants, young lady, this is the realm of eternal unrest!” If I die and am stuck forever in the sweatpants I was wearing on laundry day, I am haunting somebody out of pure vengeance.

Also, for the record, ghost logic is bananas. For example, a ghost might whisper cryptic messages like “The clock... the clock...” for months, and you’ll tear your house apart looking for some ancient, cursed timepiece. Then you’ll finally find it, and it’ll turn out the ghost just wanted you to reset it for Daylight Saving Time.

And poltergeists — don't even get me started. A poltergeist is just a ghost who’s mad because you haven’t dusted the baseboards since 2013. They throw dishes not out of evil, but because they’re very judgmental and have strong opinions about kitchen cleanliness. Plus they are bored.

Let’s not forget paranormal investigators, also known as People Who Yell at Furniture. These are brave folks who march into abandoned asylums with night vision goggles and say helpful things like, “Did you hear that?! It was either a ghost or my own breathing, which I will now replay 37 times with increasing panic.” Then they put it on TV with titles like Ghost Screams VIII: Now With More Screaming.

Ghosts may or may not exist, but if they do, they are clearly confused, slightly bored, and terrible at communication. Instead of moaning and moving furniture, maybe try using a whiteboard, ghosts. Write, “I died in this house under mysterious circumstances. Please do not put the litter box where my altar used to be.” Boom. Everyone’s on the same page. No need for screaming, broken mirrors, or blood dripping from the ceiling (which is rude and very hard to clean).

Until then, if your lights flicker or your TV turns on by itself, it’s probably just your cat. Or a ghost. Or your cat is possessed by a ghost. Either way, don’t panic — unless the ghost is wearing socks with sandals. Then yes, scream and move immediately. Some horrors are too great to endure.