By Mike Walk
Let’s talk about one of the most legendary whoopsie-daisies in American military history: Custer’s Last Stand, also known as the Battle of the Little Bighorn, also known as “Enough Arrows Already.”
This historic battle took place in June of 1876, which was right before the nation’s big centennial celebration, because nothing says “Happy 100th Birthday, America!” like a catastrophic military faceplant in the middle of Montana.
THE MAIN CHARACTERS
Let’s meet our cast of characters, most of whom would not survive past Act II:
Lt. Colonel George Armstrong Custer
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Hair: Flowing golden locks, like if Fabio joined the cavalry.
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Rank: Brevet Major General during the Civil War, demoted to Lt. Colonel afterward, which is like going from CEO to Assistant Night Manager.
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Personality: Bold, reckless, and extremely allergic to military strategy.
Sitting Bull
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Role: Lakota holy man and leader.
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Skillset: Spiritual wisdom, political leadership, and not losing battles to overconfident cavalry officers.
Crazy Horse
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Role: Oglala Lakota war leader.
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Fun fact: Much better at surprise tactics than Custer was at... anything.
THE SETUP
The U.S. government, having promised Native Americans about 9,000 square miles of land, then discovered there was gold in “them thar hills”, and did what it did best in the 19th century: immediately go back on its word.
The military was sent to forcibly relocate Native tribes from the Black Hills of the Dakota Territory. This led to the kind of military confrontation that sounds like a bar fight written by historical reenactors.
CUSTER’S MASTER PLAN
Custer’s tactical plan was:
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Split his 600 men into three groups.
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Attack a much larger Native encampment of ~2,000 Lakota, Cheyenne, and Arapaho warriors.
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Be incredibly surprised when this went badly.
This would be like walking into a crowded biker bar alone and shouting, “Whoever beats me in arm wrestling wins a new Harley?” and then taking off your shirt for no reason.
THE BATTLE
Custer thought the Native camp would scatter in fear like geese in a Walmart parking lot. Instead, they:
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Noticed him.
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Surrounded him.
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Absolutely obliterated his entire command, especially him.
It lasted roughly two hours, which is the same amount of time it takes to get through TSA. Except instead of security pat-downs, there were arrows and rifles.
Fun historical detail: Custer and his 210 men of the 7th Cavalry were all killed. This is known in military terms as a “tactical blunder” and in common English as “extremely dead.”
MYTH VS REALITY
Popular myth (and bad movies) show Custer heroically fighting off waves of warriors like a blonde action figure with a death wish. In reality:
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He was completely outnumbered.
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He didn’t wait for reinforcements.
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He ignored scouts’ warnings.
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He refused Gatling guns because they were “too slow.” (Unlike arrows?)
This is like refusing to bring your phone charger to the airport because “I’m sure there’ll be plugs everywhere.”
WHAT HAPPENED AFTER
After the battle, the U.S. government was like, “Well, that escalated quickly,” and promptly:
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Sent in more troops.
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Crushed Native resistance over the following years.
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Made sure nobody learned a thing from the whole ordeal, except maybe not to name a plan after yourself unless you really believe in it.
CUSTER'S LEGACY
Custer became a weird kind of folk hero, partly because people in the 19th century were very into turning disaster into legend. It didn’t hurt that his widow, Libbie Custer, spent the next 50 years turning him into a martyr via books, lectures, and interpretive dance (okay, maybe not that last one).
Meanwhile, Crazy Horse and Sitting Bull became respected symbols of resistance, bravery, and “we told you not to come here.”
LESSONS LEARNED
Custer’s Last Stand teaches us many valuable things:
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Don’t split your forces in enemy territory.
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Don’t underestimate people defending their homeland.
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Never turn down Gatling guns. Seriously.
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If you’re planning a big military event, don’t call it “Custer’s last stand," maybe call it something like “Custer’s Next Maneuver” or “Custer’s Midday Stroll.”
IN CONCLUSION
The Battle of the Little Bighorn is a reminder that bravery without brains is just a shortcut to becoming a monument. And in Custer’s case, it’s also a national park, a bunch of statues, and a starring role in the historical blooper reel of America.
So the next time you’re tempted to charge ahead without a plan, think of Custer, think of Montana, and maybe, just maybe… wait for the Gatling guns.
God bless the cavalry—and their hair products.
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