Fun With High Cholesterol

 

My Adventures in High Cholesterol, or: Why Cheese Hates Me

So apparently, I have high cholesterol.

I discovered this because my doctor, who is approximately twelve years old and uses words like “lipoprotein” with a straight face, looked at my blood test results and announced, “You need to make some lifestyle changes.”

This is medical jargon for: “Stop eating things you enjoy and replace them with despair.”

What Even Is Cholesterol?

According to the pamphlet my doctor gave me (which was clearly written by people who have never met cheese), cholesterol is a fatty substance that clogs your arteries and eventually makes your heart explode, probably while you’re doing something really embarrassing, like buying hemorrhoid cream.

There are two kinds:

• HDL: the “good” cholesterol.

• LDL: the “bad” cholesterol.

I’m not sure why one is good and the other is bad, but I suspect it has something to do with which one is in pizza.

The Diet Plan of Doom

The doctor says I need to eat more vegetables, whole grains, and fish. And salads. Let me explain something: Salad is not food. Salads are what my food eats. Meanwhile, I’m supposed to avoid bacon, butter, meat, sugar, and basically everything I’ve ever loved to eat.

The pamphlet actually suggested substituting carrot sticks for potato chips. That’s like suggesting you substitute a brick for your pillow.

Exercise, Allegedly

Then there’s exercise. My doctor says if I “just walk thirty minutes a day” it will help lower cholesterol. This sounds simple, except I live in a place where walking anywhere longer than four minutes means you either:

1. Get run over by a distracted driver.

2. Melt into the pavement like a human ice-sculpture.

I'd buy a treadmill. But I know it would soon function as a very expensive laundry rack.

The Numbers Game

The worst part is the numbers. My LDL was apparently “too high,” while my HDL was “too low.” I’m now supposed to track this, like I’m monitoring the stock market inside my own bloodstream. Some people invest in Tesla. I invest in celery.

Conclusion

So yes, I have high cholesterol. I’m working on it. I’ll eat the salmon. I’ll take brisk walks. I'll ride my bike. But let me tell you right now: if I keel over, it won’t be because of sausage. It’ll be because I tried to eat one more forkful of quinoa and my body simply refused.