The Human Family Tree!

[This post was originally conceived on 2/28/2012. It was finished on 2/18/2021]

Okay, so we are told by enlightened scientists that "we descended from apes". This didn't work well so they retooled the terminology and came back with "we descended from the same common ancestor" as apes. Well this is now under attack by people who are intelligent and who don't automatically gorge themselves on whatever agendized scientists portray as truth.

Well here is is, my friends! The HUMAN FAMILY TREE! Let's shine a little common sense [and satire] on the subject and see what we come up with.

Current thought holds that we have 15 steps from there to here. In other words, modern humans have evolved over 15 distinct "steps" over the last 6 million years. Okay. So lets get started.

#01. Orrorin tugenensis - the "evidence" for this creature is made up of 13 fossils, including a partial femur, some framents of a lower jaw, and some teeth. It is controversial because some scientists disagree with it being a hominid at all. However clever artists have made this bust which is like catnip to evolutionists:

 #02. Ardipithecus ramidus - The "evidence" for this thing being an early human ancestor consists of a partial lower jaw from a child (catalogued as ARA-VP-1/129). Other fossil evidence for this critter includes some teeth, a mandible, a few pieces of a skull, and several arm bones. However that doesn't stop imaginative artists from whipping up an imaginary image that will be purported to be "accurate". Like this:

 #03. Australopithecus anamensis - all that has been found and attributed to this thing is a partial tibia and a jawbone with teeth in it. Here then is a work of artistic fiction claiming to show this animal.

#04. Australopithecus afarensis - Here is the first of the "monkey men" that scientists can really get excited about since they have convinced themselves that it is some kind of proto-human. The famous, or infamous, skeleton dubbed "lucy" is one of these. The specimen in this picture's name is Reggie and he was huge fan of slinging feces at intruders.

#05. Kenyanthropus platyops - This is an ape. But some artist claims that THIS is what it looked like. I say IT because IT is an animal. Specifically, like mentioned before, an ape.

#06. Australopithecus africanus - It is also an ape. But some artist claims that THIS is what this one looked like. I say IT because IT is also an animal. Specifically, another ape. Nice smile though.

#07. Australopithecus aethiopicus - Once again this shows an extinct brand of ape.

#08. Australopithecus garhi - Good lord, another extinct ape?

#09. Australopithecus boisei - Here is the next phase in human evolution. Still has nasal problems cuz it's just another extinct ape.

#10. Homo habilis - Dude looked like this. Oh wait, its a female. My bad. Really, I feel bad.

#11. Homo erectus - Hey, this isn't funny. Why are you smiling? I know, I know, either because I said "erectus" or because he looks like someone you know. Well, he isn't someone you know. He's homo erectus and he lived 82 gazillion years ago, give or take a couple billion. If he existed at all, he was a man. [Editor's note: NO ONE could possibly know what the nose of any of these creatures looked like, because the nose decays and rots away very quickly. The "artists impression" makes it look ape-like because of the nose, which, as mentioned, is pure speculation. Thank you.]

#12. Australopithecus robustus - A search of google images returned a hodge-podge of various other creatures (many of which are pictured above). I could not find one that was identified specifically as ol' robustus. (in other words: no usable picture available) Tell you what, let's slap this photo in here! Works for me!

#13. Homo heidelbergensis - Looks fairly bright eh? Bright enough to invent the wheel. This is the guy who did that. No really. Brow ridge is rocking.

#14. Homo Neanderthalensis - Even though scientist now admit that Neanderthal man had NOTHING to do with our evolutionary chain of development, I am listing it here simply because I want to.

#15. Homo Sapiens - Here we see man has finally reached a point where he resembles many modern males. Numerous famous football players, basketball stars, and artists resemble homo sapiens.

#16. Modern man - Every man on Earth now looks like this. As you can see we have come a long way baby. I'm proud of how we have evolved over the last bazillion years.

What you have just read is a lot of hooey based on guess-work and blind speculation, oh and a generous helping of satire.

Thanks for dropping by!

By the way, there is one specimen that scientists have had trouble classifying.

The Mugato...

Good luck scientists!!

Most of this info was ripped off of this site:
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/evolution/humans/humankind/i.html