Dateline June 22, 1018 - Tallahassee Gazette
Springsteen Steps Up
by Art Mayhew
Once popular rock legend Bruce Springsteen announced today his plan to take in more than 4,000 undocumented immigrants onto his sprawling 378 acre property in Colts Neck New Jersey. Springsteen, having been recently provoked by certain media articles presenting a very biased and limited perspective on a hugely complicated problem, decided to wade in and make public comments about the Trump administration’s recent border enforcement policies. More precisely, the separation of children from their mothers (a practice Trump has since suspended). From the stage of his exorbitantly priced Broadway show Springsteen said "...we are seeing things right now on our American borders that are so shockingly and disgracefully inhumane and un-American that it is simply enraging." and "...we have heard people in high position in the American government blaspheme in the name of God and country that it is a moral thing to assault the children amongst us. May God save our souls."
Now the 60-something former hit maker, who’s last hit climbed the charts 24 years ago, has decided to not just talk the talk, but to walk the walk. "I have decided to take in, house, clothe, and feed all the undocumented immigrants that come to this country illegally. Especially the children." said the soon-to-be septuagenarian rocker, whose massive estate now boasts a veritable tent-city where his prized horses once galloped in open splendor. The cost of this project, though astronomical, is worth the price according to Mr. Springsteen, whose album Born In The USA captivated the nation 34 years ago. I asked what would be the maximum number he would be willing to house. "Keep ’em coming." he said, as his wife Patti Scialfa, who was standing nearby, began to quietly cry into her Dolce & Gabbana scarf.
-----UPDATE!!!-----
Dateline July 25, 2018 - Tallahassee Gazette
Springsteen Takes Two Steps Back
By Art Mayhew
Once popular rock legend Bruce Springsteen, who last month decided to take in undocumented immigrants from the southern border, may have bitten off more than he could chew. According to sources close to the aging rocker he now regrets his decision. An un-named source close to the fading star reveals there are many problems happening in the once gorgeous Colts Neck New Jersey property owned by Bruce Springsteen. "The place is teeming with people. Thousands of people milling about, many are hungry, naked, and sick." said the source "Bruce and his wife Patti are trying to feed and clothe all of these thousands of people all by themselves. The last estimate was over 42,000 undocumented people packed in there. There is garbage everywhere, bon-fires, and we heard that some of his horses have been eaten." Springsteen’s goodwill gesture has gone unappreciated, not just by the refugees who often riot for more food, but also his neighbors and friends. He has received absolutely no help from local authorities, and his high powered Hollywood friends are ignoring him in droves. The only Hollywood "friend" who came to his aid, reportedly, is fellow 80’s relic Joe Piscopo. However Mr. Piscopo reportedly left after only 4 hours. "It is a nightmare." said the source "many of the men have escaped into New Jersey", which has coincided with the surrounding county seeing a 236% spike in the local crime rate, "On Bruce's property there have been some fatalities, and numerous rapes,and many of Bruce’s prized possessions have gone missing. It’s a damn nightmare." When contacted by phone, a person believed to be Springsteen himself simply muttered "Sweet Lord what have I done?" in his characteristic raspy voice, before the line went dead.
[Note: This article is a satirical article conceived and written by Michael V. Walk]
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