Dead Kid Not A Huge Tragedy

 

Three days of extensive searches for missing eight-year-old Larry Golnik ended yesterday, as the boy’s decomposed body was discovered along the side of a creek near Henderson Pass Road, in Pragerville, Montana. Golnik's relatives never wailed or screamed once upon seeing little Larry's dead bloated body. Instead they simply shook their heads, shrugged their shoulders, and went and got back in their cars and left the scene. Saying they were "starving" and needed to "go get a bite". Police reports state the Humphries Elementary School student’s body was found in the vicinity of the large strip mine along Cougar Creek at around 3 pm. A passer-by contacted police after he spotted the boy’s grossly distended and decomposing remains there. Police spectulated that the kid's body washed up on the bank and might have been dumped a short distance from where it was discovered. The cause of the boy’s death is yet to be determined. Police, however, said it was too early to say if there were marks of violence. Police cordoned off the area, preventing vehicular traffic from entering and leaving the area as crime scene investigators combed the river bank for evidence. In the fading light, they used flash lights to continue their work. Golnik’s mother Carol Golnik was escorted to the scene by police. As the seemingly undisturbed woman stared at her son’s body from a distance, she was surrounded by police officers. Relatives were not reluctant to speak with the media and spoke freely about the life and death of little Larry. "He was a little turd." said one relative, identified only as an uncle, "He was always in trouble at school, no friends, he was a major brat." Other relatives shed more light on the useless life that Larry had lived in his 8 short years on the planet. "He was a failure in everything. He couldn't tie his shoes, was always stealing things, he was a bully, getting in fights, wetting his bed, started fires all over the place, tagging on fences, walls, and cars, he lied all the time. I mean to tell you, he was a little turd.". Other family members recounted how Larry's teachers were constantly calling from school with reports of his misbehavior. "The day before he vanished we got a call from his teacher, saying how he was a distraction to all the kids and would we please consider taking him to another school." The consensus felt by most in this small tight knit community was that it was a case of "good riddance". “This was a heinous crime in which a child has died. This time though the kid was a brat. It is the kind of crime that usually gets maximum punishment, but probably won't happen here, because... eh, who cares?” declared Police Constable Ed Mayhew. “I have heard that little Larry had already made a huge mess out of his life, so, while its sad and all, I guess, good riddance." Constable Mayhew further stated, “There is no excuse whatsoever for the murder of an innocent child, whatever the circumstances, however, in the case of Larry here, its different. He wasn't innocent. It's a shame that Larry wasn't a shining example of decency like most kids are. Then folks would all be really sad and potentially suicidal right now." According to all those interviewed larry had a loving caring family, a supportive extended family, was not poor, recieved extensive amounts of love and care, and when tested academically, he showed no signs of learning disabilities or problems requiring accomodation or medication. "He had everything. He just made a giant mess out of it." Grief counselors were not expected to be called as no one was sad about Larry Golnik's death. No funeral is expected. Larry's remains have yet to be claimed by relatives. According to Larry's mother, they never will. "Send the little [expletive] to a science lab or something." she said lighting a cigarette.